Order From Chaos

 

April 21, 2022

Normally my essays do not need to be read in any particular order, however my last few beginning with “Political Jesus” should be to gain the most from them. When I was a young child I had been thoroughly indoctrinated into my my parent's beliefs, mostly my mother's. She was a Presbyterian and held her belief in the holy trinity close to her heart. Her actions proved her to be a complete hypocrite but that is too often the case with most people. In my mid teens I began attending a Presbyterian church myself, I was desperately trying to find something to hold on to as the situation at home became ever more desperate. In that place I found some true believers, two or three who came to understand their version of Christianity, and a whole bunch who did not have clue one as to what being a christian meant.

It was those clueless individuals who made me, that 15 year old boy feel the most unwelcome there. Though there was nothing overtly said about me, there was more than enough innuendo and dirty looks to make me quit the place. Needless to say that experience left a pretty rotten taste in my mouth that was only worsened by my parent's behaviours. From then I pretty much dropped my quest for some type of spiritual holding point, and for the next 12 years lived in the land of the dead. I ended up marrying Toronto's biggest whore, you know the one, she's got a turnstile and you take a number then you can take caving expeditions in her.

The end of the marriage and the loss of the nanny were pivotal moments for me, I was in Alaska and I hallucinated the nanny on the side of the road, my rational mind knew that she was in Toronto newly married to the piece of dead wood that he always would be, but my emotional side, was screaming in agony at her loss. As horrible as that experience was, it provided the impetus for me to do something about the things that had contributed to her loss. The next five years was a really difficult time, and I came out of it mixed up with the narcissistic

A narcissist is an extremely dangerous individual, if you find yourself involved with one, RUN!!

leprechaun that I spent the next twenty years with; of which I regret almost as much as I regret marrying Toronto's whore.

Some people describe their emotions as being numb, that they feel nothing. For myself it was worse. I was dead inside. I literally had to intellectualize my emotional responses. I had to think about then act out what should be the appropriate response. I was never accused of being phoney, but many thought that I was hollow. This sad state of affairs had been brought about by my mother forcing me to turn myself off so that she did not have to acknowledge my existence. By the time I got with the leprechaun I was in chaos, and had been for as long as I could remember. One of the first things I had to do was learn how to feel again, and that task was made almost impossible because, how do you learn to feel and trust those feelings when you have a narcissist gas-lighting you?

In many ways this job, trucking, made that easier. Being away from home for long stretches of time enabled me to counter her gas-lighting with logic. Unfortunately it too, allowed excessive amounts of time to pass between incidents which allowed a calming effect. Nevertheless when home there was always the last incident's elephant in the room which she would never acknowledge or apologize for, as is the narcissists way of maintaining power and control. Sometimes there are things that you do not know that you do not know, in this case it was the term narcissism, I had always thought that the word was just something that got thrown around like how you might call someone an idiot, or stupid. I had no idea that it was a real word, and that it is a real mental condition for many people. In all honesty, I had thought that her narcissism was just how she fought, and it was mean.

When I first got with her, some had warned me about her, no one had said she was a narcissist and run, but some had said she's “funny”, and not in a good way. I had taken that in and accepted it as people talk, because they do talk about other people. Mostly though I got with her because I was coming at the relationship from a position of weakness, I had spent the previous 31 years in chaos, and I had been terribly wounded by both my marriage, and my hopes for the future had been shattered by the loss of the nanny. For the previous five years I had been stuck in this pus filled hole where my heart just would not heal and I was obsessed with the loss of the nanny, getting with the leprechaun I had thought that I was being relatively smart. She was as opposite to the nanny as is humanly possible, everything about her was different and opposite, from the physical, mental, even spiritual.

The spiritual, when I first met her she was attending this new wave evangelical type church and had just been through her christening, and was as excited about her spirituality as anyone can be. Initially I was pleased for her, spirituality is important I knew. It bugged me that she urged me to accompany her to these church things, and when I would not go, she did not either, for reasons that I did not understand, this behaviour set off soft alarm bells in me.

I think here I can speak for everyone who has been abused. We see the signs, but either can't, or won't accept that its happening. Its gotta be a one off, I'll threaten them with the cops, that'll stop it for next time. Her not going to church had nothing to do with the emotional violence that was coming, it was however a strong indicator of her lack of conviction. Her lifelong tendencies to abandon things that shouldn't have been.

It was a behaviour that she would exhibit for the next twenty years that drove numerous wedges between us. The truth of it was though, that I had no interest in anything that approached a christian ideal towards spiritualism, my awakening would have to wait just a little longer.

The thing with being with her was this, the environments from which I had come from had been full of violence, lies, and anything that could be used against you would be. With her initially, there was none of that, she initially from day one attempted the power and control thing which I brushed aside, and I warned her in no uncertain terms not to try that shit with me, then forgot about it expecting my position to be respected.  

A narcissist has no respect for your boundaries, he/she will lie and cheat to maintain power and control

Needless to say, confronting a narcissist does nothing but trigger them, and so was the case here. From that point forward, instead of her taking normal sized bites out of me, she pursued a policy of taking micro bites and razor blade nicks. Stuff that as an independent activity you brush aside as an annoyance, but over time does an enormous amount of damage.

Trust became a fundamental issue between us, this should have been where I kicked her to the curb but, this was where I had lived for 30 years, so in too many ways being distrustful of a woman was completely normal for me. At this point I was still way too out of touch with my emotional self to make that realization. It would be quite some time yet before I did. During those first five years I continued to do the work that I had promised the hallucinatory nanny that I would do, find a way to change the things that had made me lose her. I continued to hit at least one AA meeting a week when I was home. Going to those meetings though was proving a little problematic, it was not that I found the subject triggering because it was not. It was the reality that I was and had never been an addict, instead I had been trained since birth to think and act like an addict.

And it was this that was getting in my way as I tried to deal with the leprechaun, was my alcoholic thinking making me too sensitive to things that a “normal” person would just brush off? That question as well as the gas-lighting left me in a real quandary. Here I was discovering a type of hell that I had not thought existed, all the time that I had spent with the whore, cow, snake had not prepared me for what was now taking place in my life. Then one night I was sat working on my other blog, Woody Hollow Distributors, which I reference in my first article “Getting Organized It's Been Awhile” and I was working on an article about the Mothman; and the truth of him out of the blue suddenly clicked. As scary serious as he is, he is no more or less, than a pan dimensional influencer as well as a gatekeeper

Now you would be right about now to ask, what in fucks name does a narcissist and a pan dimensional gatekeeper have to do with each other? In answer, on the surface nothing, but let us dig just a little deeper. During the next year or more the theory of how we are here to learn and teach each other slowly developed. I had left the whore, I had nothing more to teach her, and I was happy to finally be rid of her. I then banged around for the next five years a bit lost, kinda feeling like I was sat on a shelf. Then one night I am sat in Mike's coffee shop in London, and my saviour does a strip tease down to his neon pink boxers comes in and I find AA, which is where I met the leprechaun. Alright so nothing truly weird happening so far, except for the person I had been talking to before the strip show.

I had been getting up to leave because I was on my way to work, this guy comes in and very directly walks up to me and announces that he was an ex British Commando with the Marines, SBS (Special Boat Section) to be exact. I knew a little about the world's special forces units (thanks Sly Stallone and Rambo) and knew that these SBS dudes were a tough bunch of hombres. Nevertheless I was not interested in whatever delusion the guy had and I told him to fuck off, The guy looked at me like I had really wounded him and then tottered off, I sat back down to let the guy clear the area, and as I was waiting that is when the strip show dude came in. Sure weird things happen, but two in a row? I figure that commando dude showed up to delay me long enough to meet stripper dude, which eventually allowed me to meet the narcissist. And yes the Mothman influenced SBS dude or caused him to be there.

So the quandary I was in did not matter at all. I had left the whore, lost contact with almost anyone who had known the whore and I, and had had some time to recover and gather strength for whatever layed ahead. At that time I had no real idea of what ego was, other than it was about self, and I definitely had no idea of how my ego needed reorganizing. In fact if you had asked me at the time, I would have told you that I had no self esteem at all and therefore ego was not a problem. Enter the narcissist because as usual I was off course.

I had spent the previous 30 years of my life being rejected by people as a whole, severely disrespected by a number who are supposed to supply you with love and support, all of that designed to crack my ego open, but it did not. Sure I was saddened and wounded, but I always remained the same. So here the universe said, “Christopher, you're not learning, now I'm gonna fuck you up!”, and placed me in front of the narcissist and her wrecking ball, and the complete dismantling of my ego began. Her methods were systematic and insidious, involving everything from how I peeled an apple to my sexuality. I had thought that I was in bad shape back in 1993, that was kindergarten compared to 2017. That said, the universe had achieved it's purpose, I had become ego-less, and was now ready to be put back together properly.

The Mothman

 

October 24, 2020

Science has a problem called string theory. It is an idea that allows anything, anywhere, anytime to happen, or exist. The idea allows up to eleven different dimensions to exist simultaneously. 

TM Everything all at Once. The basic idea of String Theory is, anything, anywhere, anyhow, to anyone, can happen simultaneously. This may seem chaotic, its not, there is order to it. The trick to understanding is, to know you're not alone in it.

The problem with that is, each dimension gets exponentially smaller. In and of itself, this is not a problem for you and I because; we exist as beings of light and energy. A light photon does not require a whole lot of space. Size here is not the issue, the real issue is the actual number of dimensions. Krsna assures Arjuna that there are limitless dimensions for us to occupy. Numbers do not lie, nor do they tell the complete truth. A number is an arbitrarily given value, logical, clean, and an incredibly awesome way to organize stuff, but it cannot account for concepts such as infinity. Yes, there are models and theorems for infinity but they are only ideas.

umber so impossibly huge, that I can almost...get my head around it. He say that all nuclear activity will cease in, 10,000 trillion, trillion, trillion, trillion, trillion, trillion, trillion, trillion years. Let's break it down carefully.

• 10,000 = 10,000

• 1 trillion = 10¹²

If you say trillion, trillion, trillion, trillion, trillion, trillion, trillion, trillion (that’s 8 trillions), it means multiplying by (10¹²)⁸ = 10⁹⁶

So:
10,000 × (trillion)⁸ = 10,000 × 10⁹⁶ = 10⁴ × 10⁹⁶ = 10¹⁰⁰

That number is 10¹⁰⁰, which is called a googol.

Written out:

10,000 trillion, trillion, trillion, trillion, trillion, trillion, trillion, trillion = 10¹⁰⁰ = one googol

 But more than just a simple symbol, we have the Akashic Record as proof of our enormously long and complex lives. It does not really matter whether you believe that our existence is inside a hologram, a matrix, or that there is no type of afterlife at all. We experience this life and its events are recorded, and, our previous lives are accessible to us. That is right, lives, plural.

In previous articles, I have alluded to how our present incarnation has a purpose. That purpose being to teach, learn, or simply be part of a lesson for another, this last bit is likely the role that friends and neighbours play. Major events of our lives be they good, bad, or horrendous, have our, if not permission, at least our unwilling consent. This consent is given while we are still in the Kundalini, at a type of briefing given before we are incarcerated here in this realm. Incarcerated, as you follow along on this grail quest, you will eventually understand why I choose that word very deliberately.

When a human baby is born, there are expected milestones at certain ages that we expect it to hit so we can monitor its health. Similarly, during our incarceration, there too are milestones we must get to so that the purpose of our incarceration is being served. It makes no difference as to what the nature of that moment is, but we need to have it happen to us. Missing a bus, being shot, an incredibly savage act of violence, watching a childbirth, bumping into someone on a subway platform and unknowingly preventing a suicide. The possibilities and permutations are endless, and I could not possibly note them all. Every major life interaction is influenced, and must take place to further the lesson either being taught to us, or being learned by another.

TM Mothman. These critters are cool. In future essays we go into some detail about them, and how they interact with you and I. When people have NDEs (Near Death Experiences) particularly children these are the characters that folks are interacting with. A child adapts to their presence easily, as we've said in previous essays, our eyes have filters, these Mothmen are what “Angels” look like when we have our blinders off.

These influencers are pan-dimensional beings that are commonly referred to as Mothmen. You may be unfamiliar with the term, and it is no wonder if you are. Our ancestors of 250,000 years ago were familiar with them, and, depictions of them have been found in prehistoric cave dwellings. The term was more or less popularized by the 2002 Hollywood film starring Richard Gere, The Mothman Prophecies. There is a great deal of misunderstanding about who and what they are. Many believe that they are demonic in nature. This is blatantly untrue. They are doubtlessly a force to be wary of, but they are really no more than gatekeepers. The scene in the film where Gere seems to be overwhelmed by its omnipotence, can be easily explained by the fact that it has our file to hand. Remember that these interactions were planned while we were still citizens of the Kundalini. These odd-looking critters will likely appear more normally as angels to our unfettered light beings, where our eyes are not filtered by lenses that prevent us from seeing our real universe.

My former life partner had a not-so-subtle experience of its ability to directly influence our physical reality. At the time, we lived in a small community; it was February, cold, and sunny. The sidewalk in front of the pharmacy was dry; there was a two-foot-high plow mark at the curb. The pharmacy out of courtesy had cut several walkways through the plow mark. The road in front of the pharmacy where she had parked was bone dry. She got out of the car normally, walked around the rear of the car approaching the cut-through plow mark, as she reached the centre of the car, she says that she felt a hard shove on her left shoulder, which caused her to fall forward doing a face plant into the snow of the plow mark. The street had been deserted, the only witness to this event was a customer who was coming out of the pharmacy, who stated that it looked as if someone had been behind my partner, and had shoved her hard, which was ridiculous because the street had been deserted! This is what that looked like.  So what the fuck was that all about? Perhaps it was just a demon being mean? No, there was purpose to that incident. Here we learn about the subtleness of their influence on our lives. For the purpose of privacy, I will not go into too many details. At the time, she had a serious medical condition that we had been monitoring for some years. The thing had been stable, however, after the incident there was abrupt acute worsening of the condition. So why would a Mothman want to change what had been a stable situation?

As stated above, we all contribute to each other’s grail journey, that certain events or nexus points must be reached. In changing my ex’s circumstance, it hurried the date of her eventual surgery, which allowed events that took place afterwards to match up simultaneously. At the same time, other people’s paths may have been moving along exactly as required or not, as was the case in my experience.

My own experience of the Mothman was far more subtle and far more dangerous. As I have said I am a truck driver with 31 years of experience, so understand that when I say, that the equipment failures were uncommon, it is the voice of experience that knows. My story started down in Mississippi U.S.A., my load was headed for the Cami plant in Ingersoll, Ontario, Canada, about a 45-minute drive from home. I was picking up a load of tires; the trailer was practically brand new. As I did my pre-trip inspection, I discovered that the trailer was not holding its air supply and as I physically inspected it to discover where the air leak was coming from, I found that the air tank located above the tandems (trailer axle tires) had a broken valve stem. This tank is mounted to the chassis of the trailer, and is fairly well protected, and a broken valve there is almost unknown.

TM Air tank. There is an exact name for one of these, and right now I'm not assed to find out what it is. These because of where they're located, suffer few if any breakdowns. There is a valve stem on top of the tank on the left, and because of its location, its almost unheard of for there to be trouble there.

Not to mention that the broken part was lying on the ground not far from where it should have been securely part of the tank. If it had been blown off from too much air pressure, it is likely it would have been some considerable distance away. That repair delayed me some six hours, where normal repairs by mobile service units are closer to four-hour delays. My next delay was coming up through Kentucky, I blew the ROR (right outside rear) tire on my tractor, this delayed me again by six hours. My third and final mechanical delay was in Indiana, where it was my LIF (left inside front) tire that blew on my tractor. This delay again cost me a six-hour delay, where once repaired, I had just enough time left on my HOS (hours of service) to get me across the border and to the Husky truck stop in Windsor, Ontario, Canada. It is not uncommon for truck tires to blow but, it is very uncommon for it to happen when it is an almost brand-new truck. My tractor had less than 5,000 miles on it. I went to bed, did my mandatory 10-hour break to stay within compliance for both Canadian and U.S. HOS regulations then started my day to deliver in Ingersoll. Forty minutes later, I was involved in a MVA (motor vehicle accident) that was life-changing.

I believe that the mechanical delays were deliberate to delay me long enough so that mine and the car’s occupant timeline converged exactly at that time and place, the 66-kilometre marker on highway 401 eastbound in Ontario, Canada.

So why what the?? Great fucking question. In our article, “Where Is Clarity?”, we talk about life lessons and purpose. The severity of the accident, my response to the aftermath, my eventual diagnosis of PTSD, and the crushing effect that the diagnosis of PTSD had on my ego was the desired effect of the entire effort. Up until that point in my life, I had essentially waltzed through all the bad stuff that had happened to me. I had believed that I was impervious to injury, break me, and hurt me, like fuck! Never for an instant had it ever occurred to me to humble myself. The harder somebody made my life was the harder I pushed back, get the fuck off me cockroach!