Spiritually Unprepared

 

February 21, 2021

The night my mother suicided, the night I turned 17, my birthday, I believe my mother’s spirit came to me, and it was an unfortunate experience. Why? Whatever it truly was that descended upon me that night as I walked along Ellesmere Rd in Scarborough. It was black, Stygian black. There was no visible light or auric presence,

only a phenomenal sense of dead weight, which strove to be near me, which I totally rejected with every fibre of my being. Why? Because it felt evil, and at that particular time, I had suspended belief in all things, whether spiritual or corporeal. So whatever, or whoever this thing was, for me, it did not exist. There was no repeat performance 11 months later when Dad suicided, nor did I hope for or expect it.

The only thing that this experience did was open up the tiniest shred of almost impossible possibility that the church was wrong. But was it? I mean the thing had been black, which had to be evil, right? Maybe? I mean the church has always said that suicides went to hell, so had my parents gone to hell? Fucked if I could figure it out.

SU Black auric presence. I don't believe in ghosts, yet the easiest explanation for what took place is, my mother's ghost tried to physically assault me. At the time I had no idea of what a soul was made of, or what it would weigh, the only thing I knew for sure was, that year I had grown substantially bigger than her. Much later I was to learn that we're made of light, and our souls weigh about 21 grams. Doing the math, in that circumstance, I was this much bigger than her. The difference in weight between 180 pounds and 21 grams is overwhelmingly large — approximately 180 pounds or 81.6 kilograms.

Here’s the calculation breakdown:

• Conversion factor:
  1 pound = 453.592 grams

• Convert 180 pounds to grams:
  180 pounds × 453.592 grams/pound = 81,646.56 grams

• Subtract 21 grams:
  81,646.56 grams − 21 grams = 81,625.56 grams

• (Optional) Convert the difference back to pounds:
  81,625.56 grams ÷ 453.592 grams/pound = 180.0 pounds

Conclusion:
The weight difference between 180 pounds and 21 grams is effectively 180 pounds, making 21 grams negligible in comparison.

That seventeen-year-old boy was a wreck, he was all but dead inside. He knew no emotion, no joy, and saw no hope; I believed that we should never have climbed down from the trees. I was an empath but had no idea that such a thing was possible, all I knew was that in large groups of people I was overwhelmed by feelings that I could not begin to comprehend. I believed that being overwhelmed was a direct result of being a misfit; I had never had many friends so it only seemed to make sense that I was socially awkward in large groups. The thing of it though was this, I was not awkward in social situations, I was simply unable to determine where these emotions emanated from because I was dead, I did not feel them, my mother had made sure of that. As an empath, it is almost impossible to determine where I end and you begin.

Most Empaths report that they have suffered immense trauma, that being emotional, physical, sexual, etc. I have come to believe that this empathic gift acts as a type of early warning system, a type of emotional radar. By the time of my parents’ suicides, a favoured type of abuse used by them both was to ambush my brother or I, usually when we were most vulnerable to it. There are nine minutes every day when a child is most vulnerable, the first three minutes when it wakes up, three minutes during, before, or after the most common family meal, and the three minutes before bed. In my brother’s and mine cases, these were often the most violent and chaotic minutes in our entire day. An empath does not choose to be an empath; it is not a gift that can be cultivated. Though in my case there were a million times where I fervently wished that there were a way that I could somehow be warned ahead of time about these ambushes.

As a fifteen-year-old, I had a job at Ponderosa Steakhouse at Kennedy Rd and Ellesmere Ave; I was either busing tables or washing dishes.

SU Ponderossa Steakhouse. This was a popular family style, fast food type restaurant, where you could get reasonably priced steaks, fair service, cafeteria style. 

The company was soon to cease operations in Canada and the night manager was trying to keep it going, so one night he had us on the night crew give the place a very thorough cleaning. As a result, I called home and told Mom what was up and explained that I would likely be home very late. I got home at around three in the morning as it was about an hour’s walk from Kennedy to Bellamy, and the bus quit running around one. When I got home, I was surprised to see the house in darkness and everyone presumably asleep, so I went downstairs to crash so as not to risk waking anyone and start the fur flying in the middle of the night. I was exhausted from both a chronic lack of sleep and the nineteen-hour day I had just put in, so when my head hit the pillow I went out like a light. I do not know how long I was asleep, but I was deeply asleep when, without warning, I felt strong hands grab me violently, and quite literally pick me up, and throw me across six feet of space, and crash into the wood panelling of the opposite wall, leaving a Chris-sized dent in the wall a good five feet above the floor. My attacker was, of course, my father, who stood all of five foot nine but powerfully built and as strong as an ox.

SU The Fucker Did It

It was after this that my empathic abilities began to appear, not that they made any sense. If anything, this new thing just added to the utter chaos that was me. During the next year and a half, there were numerous occasions where the lack of emotional boundaries literally had me running almost panicked from different places, breathless and very scared for me. For a time I tried to numb it out with prodigious use of drugs, and alcohol, which had a limited effect and was mirroring my parents’ behaviour. Which made me sick because I had sworn to myself, that I would never, ever be anything like them. An empath cannot weaponize his/her gift, at least we should not because if we could/can, you lot of “normals” are in a shit load of trouble. The next major moment as an empath was the afternoon where mother dearest told me that my opinion did not, would not ever matter to anyone, anywhere, ever and that she had never wanted me. That is hard for any child, regardless of age, to hear. As an empath, I absorbed her cold hate, her contempt, her utter denial, her regret of not purposely miscarrying me. Moreover, it came through razor sharp with laser-focused clarity, with fire hose intensity. There was no regret; this was God’s truth if ever there was one. Three months later, my birthday, she suicides and her 21 grams come to me to what? I do not believe in ghosts and goblins, the supernatural is easily explained by string theory and its multiverse. A poltergeist encounter is only an intrusion into our realm in the same way that we intrude into theirs. For every action, there is an equal reaction, who are we to be so arrogant to think that ghosts and goblins are related to us? Being an empath, discovering this gift and finally understanding it, I had hoped that it would bring a type of clarity to the issue. It has not and I am no further ahead. The animosity that exists between my mother and I is perhaps best answered in the Akashic record, or perhaps something in another realm needed to happen.

SU Light being at war. I didn't know why she hated me, but her abuse had hospitalized me as a 4 year old child. Our relationship had changed when I was 11, my brother and I had disarmed her, and I had taken her weapon of choice, and had disposed of it. She had declared open war by rearming herself, and attempting to use it, after I had warned her of deadly serious consequences of doing that. From that point forward, her position only worsened, she was a Type 1 Diabetic. She was 85% blind, and had late stage Kidney Disease, with which she was in a lot of pain from. She had since being disarmed a second time, initiated terrible mental, emotional, and spiritual abuse. The crueller she became, I would with glee, inflame her injuries from her disease. She was prone to infection, as most diabetics are, and I'd piss on hand and face towels she used. Dad had warned her, and he was right, we were fighting back.

 

Star Seed

 

February 16, 2020

We left our last article with a look at possible basic life lessons, their true basis, and our true natures. We also had a look at the very likely basis for the Big Bang, and we have taken mythology out of the picture. Science and spiritualism are two peas in the same pod.

The Big Bang, what a subject, we know that as it took place, the numbers are chaotic and as we go forward the numbers smooth out. We can overly simplify that by saying that they mature, oddly almost as a human infant does. We know that as the first explosion cooled stars then formed, lasted a few brief 100 million years then went nova themselves only to spread out and form galaxies and new stars which went nova in an endless succession which would eventually form the elements conducive to the formation of life.

The universe is 13.8 billion years old, though some say 14.2 but who is counting? Our Milky Way galaxy is just 4.7 billion years old, still a bit of a baby. And just as a young child will leave their toys lying around, so has our galaxy in the way of planets wondering around not attached to a star. However, we will come back to this, and spend quite some time with it.

In LOTR or, Lord of the Rings, specifically, The Fellowship of the Ring. When Frodo and Gandalf are talking quietly while in the Mines of Moria, at the top of the almost vertical stairs, the group is paused as Gandalf is trying to figure out which way to go, Gandalf talks to Frodo about how the ring was meant to be found by Bilbo, and equally so by Frodo. The point here is not about the ring, nor is it about how somehow J.R.R Tolkien turned his trilogy in to the perfect representation of the Grail; the point is how the universe brings people and events to us to move us forward. The very same way that all those early stars exploded to form the elements that made us.  

As we explore the Grail and all of its many aspects, we will delve in to anthropology and try to determine what hominid(s) we evolved from, and just exactly how GOLD plays in to it. Yeah gold, that funny wonderful luxurious almost useless metal. Except it is not almost useless at all. We know that gold forms in the last seconds before a star goes nova; we know that it has a profound effect on our pineal gland; we know that it cures cancer, HIV, type 1 diabetes, and has a markedly profound effect on some neurological disorders such as Parkinsons and Alzheimers, but only in its single atom state referred to as MFKZT, or manna. That is right the biblical manna. I am intensely curious but I doubt I will ever find out if and how it may have affected our hominid selves before Enki and his sister started tinkering with our DNA. The thing that pisses me off the most is, if MFKZT can cure so many things, why isn’t it available wholesale to you and me? The answer is ugly. The American FDA (Food and Drug Administration) can only classify a drug as a vitamin or mineral, manna in its monatomic state is neither, it’s a whole brand new branch of physics that we have not even began to scratch the surface of.

March 13, 2020

Manna was originally given to our early grail priests and priestesses as a supplement; it supplemented the female Annunaki’s menstrual hormonal extract, which enabled our ancestors to clearly, and intuitively understand our overlords will and commands. To in a way, be better slaves, and why not? That is what we were created to be, to wear the yoke of the god most high, Enlil. To labour naked in the mines, fields, and courts of the Annunaki. Gold, having a profound effect on our pineal gland, helping in the production of serotonin, and melatonin, which both aides in our creativity.

If you take a look at the Old Testament, you will find that the early patriarchs, and their seers, were very accurate in their predictions, because they had direct access, to the menstrual extract; whereas the later kings had MFKZT, which was helpful but obviously not nearly as effective; {evidenced by the reference by the prophet Isaiah who, in 735 BC proclaimed to King Ahaz that Jesus would be born}. (Unfortunately, for King Ahaz, that information was not much help). MFKZT was not the only weapon in a seer’s arsenal; he too would use a wide selection of psychedelics such as magic mushrooms, marijuana, as well as opium or opioids. We can clearly see that these alternative substances had nowhere near the same potency as the original hormonal extract, and we should keep in mind that, as time progressed, there would undoubtedly have been some diluting of the Annunaki genes in the bloodlines of both kings and their priests. This in turn, would have a proportionate effect on an alternate substances ability to be used to its desired effect. It makes one wonder, if the seer in question felt like he was disappointing his king, and if like an addict, he kept ingesting more of whatever substance in search of better clarity, to better serve his king.

I would think that there had been quite a bit of pressure on a seer, because he was not only answering to his king, he was also trying to prove that his gift of seeing was real. He would also have been quite cognizant of the fact that his king answered to an Annunaki overlord, who were noted for being quite unforgiving in their punishments.

I have counted at least 88 times in the Torah, where god says, “Don’t be afraid”; there may be more in the New Testament, considering the many varied interpretations of Christ’s parables. Moreover, He/they would be correct in saying that, because no matter what happens to us in this realm, whether we die from disease, mis-adventure, or a host of other things, our souls are immortal. Krsna at length explains this to his friend Arjuna that this is indeed the case. The night my mother suicided, the night I turned 17, my birthday, I believe my mother’s spirit came to me, and it was an unfortunate experience. Why? Whatever it truly was that descended upon me that night as I walked along Ellesmere Rd in Scarborough, it was black, stygian black, there was no visible light or auric presence, only a phenomenal sense of dead weight, that strove to be near me, which I totally rejected with every fiber of my being. Why? Because it felt evil, and at that particular time, I had suspended belief in all things, whether spiritual or corporal. So whatever, or whoever this thing was, for me, it did not exist. There was no repeat performance 11 months later when dad suicided, nor did I hope for or expect it.

The only thing that this experience did was, open up the tiniest shred of almost impossible possibility that the church was wrong. But was it? I mean the thing had been black, which had to be evil right? Maybe? I mean the church has always said that suicides went to hell, so had my parents gone to hell? Fucked if I could figure it out.   

Where is Clarity?

February 9, 2020

 

Right, we left our previous article with a brutally honest, very raw examination of just part of the process that was intelligently designed to carve out, and, break down key components of what my true-life lesson was. Although during the experience, I was convinced that the universe was a cold uncaring place, little did I realize that it was really setting me up for something that I’d dreamt of my entire life.

Have you ever wanted something, or someone so badly that you’d do almost anything to obtain it? And having achieved it, you felt like a god? That moment for me would have to wait for 35 years, and at times, that amount of time seems crushing. However, when we take in to account that we are star seed, and have existed for billions of years, 35 years is no more than an eye blink. Moreover, even those billions of years, we are yet still wet behind the ears. How? Well when we take in to account the second law of thermal dynamics, Dr Brian Cox assures us that all nuclear activity will end in 10,000 trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion years’ time, so even the present age of the universe, 13.8 billion years, is but a drop in the bucket. We are beings of light and energy, and we are immortal. As you follow along, you will discover how and why that is fact.

So if life lessons are designed to take place over the course of a human life span of roughly 115 years, what would a life lesson be for someone whose life span stretched for millions of years? I wonder if for Enlil, the lesson was humility. Who the fuck is Enlil? And, what the fuck do you mean by life spans of millions of years? Okay, Enlil was the Annunaki “god” who ordered our abandonment during the great flood, you know, the one in the bible.

As you may have figured out by now, I drive a truck for a living. I have been fortunate enough to have trucked across North America, and it is likely that there is not a town or village that I have at least not been through. Shortly after my separation from the snake (cow), I was out in Newfoundland, Canada’s most eastern province, and arguably, has Canada’s most beautiful scenery. In geologic terms, it is fascinating that the western 1/3 of the island is part of the North American tectonic plate and the eastern 2/3 of the island was once part of Africa. The place has a tough history, from ice ages, to the incredibly tough economic hardships experienced by the sparse population. One of the benefits of the harshness of their lives has been that they helped to create very tightly knit families, who support each other through thick and thin. One of these families had a member who was rather mentally challenged, in likeness this individual reminds me of Hodor, the gentle giant from Game of Thrones. His family would cater to what as best as I can describe, a delusion where he would chase a full moon to obtain moon milk in a gallon pail secured to a long rod. As wondrous as the idea of moon milk is, it makes one wonder what the life lesson is for all the individuals involved. Most people see the disabled as something to mock, or pity, not realizing that both the mocker, and the mocked, are hard in to their own individual Grail paths. Moreover, while on those roller coaster paths, we have lessons to learn, and teach each other. Our physical and spiritual worlds are far more inter-connected than we realize, a concept very different than church dogma, or worse, when you believe in nothing.

All right, here is where you learn to suspend belief; you’ll need to stop believing everything you thought you knew about creationism, and evolution. Why? Because our truth is a combination of both. We’re going to learn about royalty, incest, a noble cause, rape, extraordinary arrogance, and loss. You’ll be saddened, angry, perhaps even feel hopeless, then it’ll all begin to make sense; you’ll find hope, joy, and a new way to see both corporal life and most importantly, a new way to see your true spiritual self. But first, we must separate the lie from truth. The problem with that is, the truth has been so obscured that it’s almost impossible to find. To understand it, we must travel back in time 500,000 years and more. To truly appreciate the depth of the deception that’s been committed against us, we’ll closely examine the formation of our solar system 4.7 billion years ago.

You may be asking yourself why events from so long ago should concern you, well, have you ever experienced an earthquake? Lived through a volcanic eruption? Wondered why Hawaii popped out of the Pacific Ocean? Or even why the earth’s crust under the Pacific Ocean is so much thinner than anywhere else on earth? By carefully examining our galactic, geologic, evolutionary and, spiritual histories, we will find clarity. We must see these seemingly disparate subjects as a whole, or they will continue to cause us to ask more than we understand.

Ok, let’s start at the beginning. The “Big Bang”. Let’s presume that there is intelligence behind that, that there was/is a very good reason that it took place, we’ll call that intelligence *Krsna, and it exists in a place called the Kundalini. Let us further presume, that we are beings also of the Kundalini, that we strive for the perfection of Krsna. And no, Krsna is not “God”, at least not by standard definition. The Kundalini exists as a separate state, a different dimension. We have lived in that dimension, and many others for billions of years, and we can obtain those memories from the Akashic record. Let us liken the Kundalini to a high school or university hallway, each dimension is a room that branches off of that hallway. As we strive for the perfection of Krsna, or the highest possible vibrational frequency, we commit transgressions. These incidents land us up in places like this here realm, so that while we’re in remedial school we don’t lower the combined vibrational perfection of Krsna.

Let us further liken the Big Bang to the breaking of ground, you know, to build a new home or office tower or whatever. In our case, we find ourselves in an extremely harsh environment. The length of our time here varies greatly, as it does in every dimension. This is likely due to simple physics like gravity, and how it affects the photons of our light beings. Or it could be far more sinister in that we are given sentences and incarcerated. In either case the result is the same, we are stuck here.

The above gives us an idea of why we’re here, of why we experience the harshness of corporal life. As we continue to explore the Grail, we’ll discuss alien life, the ideals of service, evolution, and some gut wrenching mind-bending truths about the church and its relationship with Jesus Christ.

*Krsna is an East Indian term.

Suspended Belief

 

February 4, 2020

We left our last article with a discussion about religion, questions about what God was all about; and what amounted to the collapse of my having any kind of belief system. The above image, describes perfectly what my soul felt like, I was dead inside. It was an awful way to try to live, not having a soul; it enabled a purely evil individual to slither her way in to my life. She was as mean as a snake and 3 times as low. I foolishly believed that I did not deserve anything better, and I allowed her to treat me as my mother had, like shit.

But why not though? It was normal, I had always been neglected, my needs had never been acknowledged, had always been ignored, swept aside as unimportant. Except not always, in my 15^th year I would meet who would become the nanny. But she was an aberration, she was 14 when we met, gorgeous, warm, sweet, smart, and everything good. However, she was locked in to her own kind of hell, and was as emotionally repressed as I was, perhaps more so after what the snake would cause to happen to her. I ended up wounding her terribly that year, but I did not know what the snake had done to her. If I had known, the following 10 years would have been very different indeed.

It would be nearly 7 years before I would learn the truth, and that truth would launch my recovery. It was a very strange period in my life, I had absolutely no respect for adults or anyone in authority, it was 

very much my way or the highway, if anyone dared question my actions, I would happily piss in their mouth. The snake was pregnant with I had no idea of whose baby, mine or at least a dozen other contenders. I had bought my first home, and unbelievably, the snake’s Achilles heel was sat in my living room drinking my beer, eating my food, when the snake starts bragging on him about what he had done to who would become the nanny. And in addition, just how proud she was at having facilitated the rape, my revulsion was immediate, my hatred of her only grew as I ran for the phone to call 911, as I dialed, the snake was sniveling and pleading with me to not report her or the pedophile.

It was in those exact moments, the phone to my ear with 91 pushed and thoughts racing through my head, not that I cared a wit about snake’s words; that I reached the lowest point of my life. I was 24 years old, how had I allowed this to become my life? How? The decision to divorce the snake was an easy one to make, I had never loved her, I had never even really liked her as a person, and I had most certainly never trusted her. So it begs the question, why the fuck had I ever married her?

I had spent the previous 10 years of my life in suspended animation, no belief systems, no morals, no ethics, no emotion. I had completely suspended belief in myself. Unknowingly and completely unawares, I had placed myself squarely in front of the universe, and its wrecking ball, and said, fine; do your worst, I can handle anything. And that is exactly what it had intended.

Up until that point I had listened to people ask their ministers, priests, or other spiritual advisors, what is my purpose in life? What does God want for me? I did not know the answers to those questions, but I was certain that the answers were not what are expected. Your choice of career, your choice of life partner, whether or not you go to school. The universe does not give a flying fuck about that sort of thing. We are made of stardust, we are star seeds and the universe wants us to act that way, it wants us to be real to ourselves. But this was the lesson that would take 28 years to learn.

From the day that we’re born, perhaps conceived, we enter this realm and begin our Grail journey, from that moment we begin to experience the lesson, it doesn’t matter how benign or harsh the lesson, we are going to live it. In my case, the lesson was harsh from the start, and it was all about ego. Yes EGO, don’t confuse ego with self-concept, conceit, for they are very different things. From my earliest memories as a toddler, right through to adulthood, until my late 40s, I believed that I was the toughest son of a bitch alive, that I could endure anything, that I was unbreakable. I knew no fear and had no doubt that I would persevere no matter the situation.

Throughout most of the time, yes I suffered and felt that I was blowing in the wind, but I knew that I would bulldoze my way through it, the school bullying, the suicides, the divorce, the real body blow came with the loss of the nanny. The next to truly rock my world was an MVA, that left me in chronic agony, and four years later, another MVA that tore me open and left me extremely vulnerable to the narcissistic energy vampire that I had spent the last 15 years of my life with. It was this individual who did more to ruin me than any other before her.

For 20 years, I allowed this energy vampire to suck me dry, and I allowed it because I’d spent 5 years after my divorce alone. The micro bites that the narcissist took were far more bearable than the god-awful chunks that the snake tore from me. From day 1 I had seen the red flags and had felt the warning from my unnamed and not understood open 3^rd eye regarding the narcissist, but I felt so alone, so battered, so unable to move beyond the unending, pus filled wound of the nanny, that I settled for someone that everyone had said, run, stay away from her! But even if I had never gotten involved with her, the universe would have presented another way for me, or you, to learn the mandatory lesson. The lesson only stops when you’ve learned it

Full of Confusion

January 18, 2020

We left our last article with me finding Alcoholics Anonymous, and beginning the recovery process. I really had no idea of what I was doing; all I knew for sure was that I had spent the previous 27 years being essentially absolutely miserable. I had thought that I had found a way to begin to change that, hoping against hope that somehow my relationship with the nanny would enable me to truly open up, to really acknowledge my feelings and needs. With 17 years of severe child abuse at home, at least 4 years of extreme bullying while at school, emotionally I was a wreck, I was hard, cold, and I cared for nothing, I was dead inside and it was quite literally killing me.

The thing about the A.A. rooms though was this; it was a safe place for everyone to explore their trauma, and their associated feelings in a safe loving environment. Being able to do that was exactly what I needed. I needed to learn how to feel again, and the recovery experience was an incredibly bumpy, terrifying, exhilarating ride that was both exactly what I needed, and, left me too vulnerable to a narcissistic leprechaun that I would spend the next 20 years of my life with. And yes, I am referring to my former business partner. She and her family in the end would do me as much, if not more damage, than my upbringing had. In my emotional naivety I had mistaken empathy for love. Her story though does deserve empathy; I mean her own mother had her tongue docked when she was an infant because she thought it was too long. I mean really, what the fuck is that?

Unsurprisingly, just as just about everyone else in those rooms, I struggled hard with the idea of a higher power Great song. A higher power, who God? The fucker who is a schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder? That higher power? According to some in the rooms, well no, not god, how about instead a broom handle, a doorknob, your shoes, you know they will not drink. Sure, it’s true they won’t drink, they can’t, they are inanimate objects, I’m not worried about drinking or drugging, I made a decision not to, and that’s all there is to it, and for 20 years it’s been as easy as that. My struggle was far more complex than that, I already knew that god was an ass, and that most churchgoers were nothing but hypocrites, I needed to understand where the bible and its fucked up god had come from. And maybe, just maybe find an answer to the eternal question bouncing around in my head, what is this crap about the Holy Grail all about?

My search began slowly, and it was not focused in any way. I had always had an interest in the pyramids of Giza, the Mayan ruins of Mexico, as well as the temples of Cambodia, and had wondered if they were connected in any way. I, like everyone else, either would not or could not connect the dots. When the underwater ruins in Polynesia were discovered, I kept coming up with references to fish people; I had to ask myself, what the fuck is that all about? It was a long slow process of watching T.V. specials, reading articles in publications such as National Geographic, and believe it or not, Playboy magazine. Gradually a pattern began to emerge, and it said clearly that the history that I had been taught in school, and in church, was way out of sync with our true past.

Then the question became why? What on earth is so god awful important that the glorious things that we had attained in the past should be hidden? And if we could build incredible things like the pyramids back then, why could we not now? In addition, why did the church, the supposed authority on our ancestors, know so precious little about it? Then of course, there was/is the church’s fucked up attitude towards sex, what was up the guilt that we are supposed to feel?

The more I looked at these issues; it seemed more and more likely that the church was behind all of it, but why? Why had they removed books from the bible? Why were they frustrating research in to the Dead Sea Scrolls? Why are they so adamant that the Shroud of Turin is Christ? I also could never figure out, if the lands of the bible were so holy, and if Christianity was the only “true” religion, where had Islam come from? And why were Christians, Muslims, and Jews at each other’s throats? And what about the Jews, Jesus was a Jew, not a Christian. There were real mysteries here, and as I began my quest for the Holy Grail, I never imagined that I would find answers to each and every question, and every question after that. The truth is out there, and the only way of obtaining it, is to suspend belief in what you have been taught. The church never did, and to this day, does not, have your spiritual welfare at the center of, or really, even on its map.

  When you suspend your belief system, sure you will experience fear, confusion, perhaps outright terror, but remember, the Grail serves those who serve. My father’s experience of the Grail was tragic, my early quest was bumpy, and in finding a way to serve the Grail, I have found a serenity that I would never have believed humanly possible. So let us together bound in to the rabbit hole, and transform this weary world in to one of wonder!

This is where my father stopped his quest, unable to get past his fear for his immortal soul. My father, despite his addiction, was an incredibly intelligent man. He actually had me believing that the American president J. F. Kennedy was in the biblical book of Revelations. Dad, like so many others, was forcing pieces together that just are not meant to fit. The book of Revelations was put together for one reason only; to scare the hell out of everyone, it is wrote specifically vague so that when the church feels it necessary, it can pull whatever bit of nastiness out of it, and scare all us uneducated peasants back in to line.

But why would they do that? This institution that is supposed to promote brotherly love, that we were all created equal, that espouses that god loved us so much that he gave his only begotten son for us. What was with all the fear? Then when you tried to ask them about that, they engaged in obfuscation, they are artists in it, I personally wonder if they have to take a mandatory course in it at seminary school.

So it Begins.

 

January 11, 2020

We left our last article with me not liking women very much, and with me knowing that I had to change. The question was how? Where do I begin? How do I even start to? All I knew for sure was that I was miserable, that I missed the nanny, and that I had no idea of how I was supposed to start again. I was very much alone apart from seeing friends, it was difficult seeing these people because they were in relationships, obviously happy with who they were with, I was happy that they were, however, I found myself sometimes shunning them because of my darkness.

During the latter part of the 1990s television was changing, specialty TV channels were showing up, History, Discovery, Bravo, Documentary, and a hundred others. Often I’d find myself sitting up late at night watching TV, not an uncommon thing for anyone; I’d be watching whatever, usually History channel, and slowly a pattern was beginning to emerge, the history that I’d been taught in school wasn’t necessarily correct. That there seemed to be an “alternate” history, one that seemed to have been repressed. The question in my mind was what’s that all about?

During the course of the next 5 years, I left the greater Toronto area and landed up in south western Ontario, gradually I began to enjoy the company of women again, but I still hadn’t figured out how or exactly what I had to change about myself. In essence I was still a complete wreck, and despite the passage of time, I missed and longed for the nanny terribly. Back in 1997 while parked at what is now a Flying J truckstop in Black River Falls Wisconsin, it was a bitterly cold night and the snow was falling thick, I was lying in the bunk curled up in a ball of abject misery. I was thinking about the nanny, her smile, her eyes, the sound of her voice, and the sex, god the incredible mind blowing sex. As I laid there a pain began in the center of my forehead, it quickly grew from a 2 on a scale of 1 to 20 to an 800. I was in complete and utter agony, nothing helped, Tylenol, aspirin, pot, booze, nothing even touched it, not even a bag of frozen peas, it felt like someone was driving a rail way spike through the center of my forehead blunt end first, Christ the agony of it. The agonizing pain lasted for about 3 days, then during the following 7 days it faded away to nothing. I couldn’t explain it nor could my doctor, then as little as a few weeks went by and I began to notice what seemed a voice in my head, (yes I thought I was going crazy) but the thing of it was, this “voice”, was giving me a heads up about everything. All of a sudden colours were brighter, people all of a sudden said more with their body language, I knew even before work called if a trip would be good or bad, it wasn’t clairvoyance, it was something far better.

As time passed I learned to truly trust this new ability, I learned to my peril that if I didn’t listen to this “voice” that things would too often go horribly wrong. But if I did listen, things went smoothly. I had no name for it, and it would be many years before it would make sense.

So now living in the London On area, I was sitting in Mike’s Coffee Shop at Dundas/William St. (it’s now a pizza shop) The place had decent coffee and sandwiches. It was getting on in the evening and this 50 something guy comes in, he’s unshaven and looking somewhat disheveled. Anyway this fella climbs on top of one of the tables and proceeds to undress right down to his bright neon pink boxers. My first thought is that the guy was mentally challenged, and indeed he was. The girl behind the serving counter quickly got him redressed and out of the place to everyone’s relief. And that was my first introduction to who would turn out to be my savior.

Some days later I was again at Mike’s, and the stripper dude comes in. This time he keeps his clothes on and very normally gets himself a coffee. He seats himself in a booth facing me; he seemed to be appraising me. It didn’t make me uncomfortable because we all do it. Then, out of the blue, he asks me the question; do you want to come to an A.A (Alcoholics Anomy nous) meeting with me?

My first thought was what??? Why the fuck is this complete stranger asking me to go to an A.A. meeting?? Realizing that he might be a bit daft, I figured I’d humor him a bit, so I asked him why the fuck he was asking me to go to an A.A. meeting with him. His answer blind-sided me and blew me right out of the water. He said to me with such phenomenal kindness in his eyes, otherworldly gentility of tone, “you seem troubled, on the ragged edge, I want to help”.

My brain imploded. I felt this unbelievable urge to cry, not just cry but ball my eyes out, just totally go to pieces. I could feel the emotion twisting my facial muscles, and for the first time in more than 20 years, I was helpless to stop it. All the subtle tricks and control mechanisms that I had perfected to protect myself were of no help at all in that moment. He sat there and with that, same kindness, and compassion watched my terrible internal struggle and said again, will you come to an A.A. meeting with me? I did go with him to that first meeting, and the whole time I wondered why. I mean, fine, I used both drugs and alcohol regularly, but not to excess, and only when I was home. Moreover, when I did use, I was always terrified that, this would be the drink, or toke that turned me in to a carbon copy of my parents. For a while when I got home off the road, I would hit two, sometimes three meetings a day, and it took a long time, for me to realize that, there was a fundamental difference between me, and the other people in those rooms. That difference was that those generally good people had a disease, whereas I was an environmentally exposed addict. I had been trained since birth to think, and act like an out of control addict. And if I wanted to change that, there was no better place in the world for me than those rooms.

Organizing, it’s been awhile…

 

For Shadow Kristuzac

Warning:

This blog is adult oriented. There is light foul language, sexual reference, and mature themes. You’ll need your 3^rd eye to see and understand this blog.

All written material is ®©

All rights reserved

Editor: Christopher Grout

Contributing Editor: The ”Nanny”

We may from time to time, invite a good friend of whom I have known for almost 30 years, to talk to us about numerology

We would love to hear from you to discuss the ideas that you find herein

Speak with the Holy Grail

November 24/19

For Shadow Kristuzac

Warning:

This blog is adult oriented. There is light foul language, sexual reference, and mature themes. You’ll need your 3^rd eye to see and understand this blog.

All written material is ®©

All rights reserved

Editor: Christopher Grout

Contributing Editor: The ”Nanny”

We may from time to time, invite a good friend of whom I have known for almost 30 years, to talk to us about numerology

We would love to hear from you to discuss the ideas that you find herein

Organizing, it’s been awhile…

Four years ago I used to publish a blog under an umbrella name, Woody Hollow Distributors. At the time I owned a small business by the same name. Unfortunately that business failed despite herculean efforts to make it a success. It’s not in my nature to drag people thru the mud, especially when they’re your business partner, however in this case, as it turns out; it was a huge mistake to even acknowledge their existence from the first time we met. Yes seriously it was that bad. It’s taken quite a long time to clean up the associated mess, but here I am, back with confidence, ability, clear views about the subject matter, and, some very new fascinating information.

WHD was a blog that talked about the Holy Grail, you know, Jesus’s cup from the last supper. The subject matter is contentious to say the least, but then the truth hurts, people don’t like pain, and are offended oh so easily, the snow flakes. At any rate this blog will be similar to the last, romping all over the known universe tying seemingly very different subjects together and answering the unanswerable. Yes you read that correctly, the Grail isn’t just about a cup or, Jesus Christ, or science and technology; there is not a single aspect of our human existence that in one way or another the Grail doesn’t resonate in.

December 01/19

And that is where the primary differences will appear, as we published under WHD we concentrated on mostly historical information, the Annunaki, their mystery schools, their character; and to a great extent, how our history relates to those incredible events of 500,000 years ago. But we didn’t spend much time in the human spiritual zone, learning about why and how things actually work, how things resonate as truth or bullshit. As we go forward we will explore the Annunaki, their connection to Christ, his “alternate” more likely identity. We’ll explore the mystery schools, what they are, where and when they started, and equally importantly, as an individual how you personally benefit from your belief system.

I, of course, just as a parent, priest, school, or any other organization, have no right whatsoever, to attempt to sway your belief system, that is your right and yours alone, to decide. Now here is the wondrous part about this thing called the Grail, it has the infinite wisdom of allowing you to take as much or as little as you want from it. It is not a religion; it has no priests, no bishops, no Imams, no popes, or shamans. This journey you are about to embark upon is purely personal. You are in charge of your interpretation of what you find here. I will guarantee this much though, it will scare you, excite you, overwhelm you at times, and hopefully when your soul asks you, how deep is the rabbit hole? Your sacred self will answer, I need to know, let us explore!

When I began this journey back in the late 1990s, I was lost, my soul was spiritually bankrupt. My 3^rd eye had been pried open by trauma, the loss of my daughter, the loss of my child’s nanny; a woman of whom I’d loved wholly. Hate, fury, repugnance of my first wife and the crimes she committed against our child’s nanny. (Yes, there may be pending legal action). I had been brought up in a middle class home by drug and alcohol addicted parents, as well as an abusive asshole older brother who believed foolishly that shit rolls downhill. So if he got beat by mom or dad, it was ok to beat the snot outta me to relieve his resentment. It didn’t matter to him that I was being beaten more often than him. My parents had their Presbyterian religious beliefs; and the hypocrisy was complete.

Needless to say this left the young me with a yearning for spiritual fulfillment that kind of defied logic, how could I long for something that was being used so incredibly callously against me? Logically it didn’t make sense, but neither did what I really saw. As a young child 8,9,10, I sought solace, hope, safety in my children’s bible, and I saw holes in it. Remember when you were 10, you wanted to play, wanted to be on your bike, a catcher’s mitt in your hand, but you also knew stuff, stuff that might have only made sense to you but you knew it as a hard truth. That’s where I was, and it was about Moses and the burning bush really being a UFO. Yup really. My Sunday school teacher, called me a heretic, and got me in a lot of trouble with mom and dad which resulted in a beating of extraordinary violence. To put that in some kind of context, my father, whose addiction was spinning out of control, thought finding Jesus would help. Sadly, instead, it led to the biggest mistake of his life.

December 09/19

At those young ages the “family” attended a church called Bendale Bible Chapel at Bellamy/Lawrence in Scarborough, then a suburb of Toronto. There my father fell in with a fella whose name I remember as Capon. A decent man and I believe a Freemason as well. (These are a child’s recollections) and this gentleman began grooming my father to join the craft. Unsurprisingly the relationship came crashing down as my father’s addiction took precedence over good sense. So my father didn’t become a Freemason, and he didn’t listen to the well-considered advice/criticism of that good man, and what followed six years later was a Greek tragedy of epic proportions. This then, was my introduction to the Holy Grail, complete and utter chaos. A family in chaos, I was also victimized by extreme bullying at school, both at North Bendale P.S and at J.S. Woodsworth Jr High, some of which my brother was responsible for. The isolation and loneliness was, at times, almost impossible to get through. But somehow I toughed it out, and this set my ego up for a monumental journey that would take forty plus years to understand.

After the non-event of my father not becoming a Freemason, his addiction ran completely out of control. His “partying” kept the house awake until two or three every night, seven nights a week, as he went through a plethora of “friends”; mostly older kids from the immediate neighborhood, guys in their late teens to early thirties. This needless to say, meant that us kids were trying to function at school on less than four of sleep a night, which of course meant that we were perpetually exhausted. As time passed the pressure grew apace with it. From my father losing $75,000 playing the commodities market to familial sexual incest, there really was no place that was safe and that’s what home is supposed to be, right? Safe? I’m eternally grateful to the universe and whatever intelligence that lies within the Kundalini that I didn’t suffer incest.

That being said, sixteen years of abuse, my mother and father’s suicide, what did all of that do to me? Nothing good that was for sure. The only place or way that I found safety was internally. I learned to internalize everything. I had learned to be emotionless, the iceman. Nothing done or said to me could penetrate the internal shields that I had erected. The problem with this was that neither could anything I felt get out. My emotional needs had been denied for as long as I could remember, three months before my mother’s suicide she told me that my opinion didn’t matter and that she didn’t want me, so as I had grown up, I had never learned to appreciate or verbalize my own needs. This inability was death to me for the next fifteen years.

January 5, 2020

From about the age of 10, the idea of the Holy Grail had been implanted in my head because of dad’s association with Capon. The problem was, I had no real idea of what it really entailed. I had some vague understanding that Jesus had married and had kids, that those kids had formed the roots of European royalty. That resonated as truth but what of it really? I found myself really wishing that I had paid a lot more attention to the 2 men’s discussions. In the event, I found myself floundering along for the next decade or so, I had in some desperation, joined a church youth group weirdly expecting to find my own Capon, what I found instead was a group of good kids who believed sincerely in the standardized Christian God. To some extent I felt that I had gone nuts, as I talked about Christianity and god and the hypocrisy of people’s beliefs and their actions, I couldn’t hear anything about the Grail, was I wrong about it all? No I really didn’t think so, the standard version of Christianity didn’t resonate as truth, whereas the precious little that I knew of the Grail felt right.

Meanwhile I had basically dropped out of school, had completely fucked up my relationship with who would eventually become my daughter’s (we really need a paternity test because she’s likely not mine, and whoever her real father is owes me $115,000 in child support) nanny. I had been an incredible fool and had gotten mixed up with Toronto’s biggest whore. This individual has no morals or ethics, I would eventually learn that she facilitated the rape of a 14-year-old girl by an adult male. It was this action as well as a host of other despicable acts, which caused me to divorce this individual of whom uses sex, mental, emotional, and spiritual violence to provide herself with an identity. Frighteningly she works as a public nurse in Toronto, I honestly feel sorry for her clients, I’ve since never known anyone as lost as she is. But this is where I was, 16 years of abuse, a mother who confirms your worst fears by telling you that you’re not wanted, by committing suicide on my birthday, dad’s suicide 11 months later, I was as lost and as vulnerable as they come, too easy prey for the predator that she is. And there is of course the whole concept of your parents provide you with your love map, accordingly I married my mother, someone who treated me horribly, whose ethics were extremely questionable, and whose sexuality was warped, hence the incest. It was a most uncomfortable truth as I began my recovery following my divorce.

As banged up emotionally as I was, I considered myself to be an emotional vegetable; I understood that I was worth something, it was the nanny who gave me that, someone who loved me when I couldn’t begin to love myself. It had been my intension to marry the nanny after my divorce, I had believed it was her intent as well, however, due to the machinations of the whore I was married to, and the animal actions of one of her many 1of 39 sexual partners that year alone, it would be a long nightmarish 26 years before the nanny and I could reunite.

The year after my separation from the whore was notable for only two things. One, I didn’t have any STIs and two, the nanny betrayed me. The 2^nd year too was notable, if only for the nanny marrying a jackass who’d spend the next 26 years abusing the hell out of her. That year something good happened though, a tiny little green shoot poked its head out of the sands of the apocalyptic wasteland of my soul. The realization that I had to change.