July 4, 2021
NLB Wounded Me. Which allowed the true me to break through. Only in darkness can you find your light.
The above image perfectly exemplifies how I felt about myself during the late 1980s into the early 1990s. In previous discussions, I have at length spoken about the conditions that brought me to this point. My soul was trashed, and I had no idea of why, or even how I would get out of bed the following morning. All I knew was the grim determination to go on every day and, somehow bear the emotional, physical, and spiritual torture that was my life.
My mother's involvement in my life was minimal and, I expected nothing less, having been told directly that, she did not want to be involved in any part of my life. It had been hard enough to see it and feel it daily, without the verbal confirmation of it. My relationship with my brother was filled with limitless feelings of distrust and countless acts of violence as he spent 16 years beating the fuck out of me. His problem was that he understood that he was a beta wolf, trying to kill his younger brother, who was doubtlessly the Alpha Male of the family, so that he could be the alpha male. To his everlasting regret, the only thing he accomplished was, he toughened me up and, taught me how to win and put him on his back in submission. The only place for a beta wolf.
The relationship with my father was different, it was neither father son, or father friend. It was more based on co-operation. And that was a damned slippery slope. In that house, dad was the only one who
I could turn to for love and affection, which was very hit and miss; and too often, was more miss than hit. Despite the failings of our everyday life, dad well understood who I was.
It was a strange dynamic in that house, we were split in two halves, my brother and mother on one side and, dad and I on the other. A clear example of this was, and it speaks to dad's on again off again reliability, my grade eight graduation. My brother is two and a half years older than I am. When my brother graduated grade eight my mother could not do enough for him, and spent weeks previous to the occasion prepping for it, the clothes, transportation, what girl he had as a special guest and, dad dutifully played his part as an attentive father with an open wallet. When my turn came to graduate, literally twenty minutes before the ceremony started mom looks up from the T.V. and says and I quote " shit your graduation starts in twenty minutes and we don't have anything for you to wear". Not to mention the fact that the mall was a ten-minute drive away, the time spent choosing an outfit that I would wear, the fitting time and so on. Plus whatever time it took them to get ready, not to mention the fact that dad was sat there on the couch getting shit faced drinking and toking. I was not going to the graduation ceremony.
During the preceding months, I had talked about my upcoming grad , and had been looking forward to it because it was a milestone but, from the other members of the family, the topic always flat lined. The neglect here was emotional and it weighed heavily on me. In too many ways though, not attending my grad was equally a good thing. I really had not wanted to spend another second with my classmates, the bullying that I had endured that year was severe, and had included being knocked unconscious and having my coat and wallet stolen and left there in the hydro field at the tail end of November. So not attending the grad was a great way of showing my utter contempt for all of them.
The thing of it though is this, those sixty months of horror had an effect, and it was a double whammy. Sure, the abuse at home started as soon as I was born and got home from the hospital, and yes, there were other instances of extreme bullying as a young child, all of it designed to have a twofold purpose. In our article "PTSD " I talk about the extraordinary rawness and cruelty experienced between my ex wife and I, some if not all of the emotional and physical violence that I experienced was designed solely to teach me how to teach my ex-wife. As I have said previously, we are here to teach and learn for the benefit of our sacred selves. The second part of that twofold purpose was a lesson designed solely for my sacred self, my light being. Those twenty-one grams. That lesson being the complete dismantling of my ego. There is a huge difference between arrogance and ego. And I was both, I had such a surety of mindset and it was mind-boggling.It was never a case of I am better than you, it was more, my opinions are the right way period. Unfortunately, for me, I am correct most of the time and, that has led to egotistical behaviours that I firmly believe led to my incarceration in this realm. There was a way that I had whereas it was a case of "people will see my way or not, if not, get the fuck out of the way and let me get it done ". That is not necessarily a bad way of doing things however, when it endangers others or yourself is when it leads to problems.
As I mentioned earlier, I have out of place memories that are doubtlessly memories of another dimension and life. (This gets a little loony and I feel loony every time I get in to it). To avoid sounding too loony I will only sketch in the briefest of detail. There was a series of unfortunate events that involved violence, betrayal, and too much initiative. There was a non- accepted explanation, a trial, a "briefing " about what this realm would be like, an agonizing experience, then finally here. Knowing my character, whatever those acts of violence and betrayal were, they were unintentional but were likely seen to be the only way to solve whatever the problem was because I had been in a position of authority.
This essay is my first attempt to articulate those moments before my arrival here. Because there are so many questions involved with reincarnation, I've mostly tried to avoid the subject. Until I discovered the Holy Grail, I had accepted that, my memories of Moses, the Tribunal, and the monster were just there. Kind of the way that I accepted the Dalai Lama's claims. They just were. Finally having my visions of Moses verified, enabled a deeper look at these other things.
Rather than get into the religiosity of it, I'd rather just leave the experience here, if something resonates with you, good. If not you, maybe it will with someone you know. The Tibetan Book of the Dead assures us that we do indeed enter new wombs in every incarnation. For a long time I was hung up on how? A little while ago we worked on an essay entitled "The Gush". Its about sperm and egg meeting, but it failed to tell us why there are two parts of a single person. Then I recalled a fundamental part of the above, I remembered that leaving that place to come here, recalled it being incredibly painful. I reference a thing called a "®© Soul Splitter" because I don't know what else to call it.
There may be more than one reason for that, I'm thinking that the the most likely being, that I was already a full grown adult, and was being incarcerated on a prison planet. The only other thing is, both birth and death are painful. As infants if we're not born by C-section, we're squeezed out through a 10 cm birth canal. Where we get our skulls squeezed into odd shapes, and can get our shoulders hung up on pelvic bones and stuff. When we die, most of go by way of severe illness, or violence, neither good ways to go.
For me reincarnation is hard to talk about, mostly because I try to come at stuff with reasonably solid arguments. Reincarnation being the end result of soul resurrection makes sense. But there's no definitive proof of it other than the Dalai Lama. His claim is that he's been on earth for 600 years is almost reasonable balanced against, the biblical figures of both Noah, and his boy Shem. Who both lived for 600 years. This against our claim, of immortality lasting at a minimum of 1x10^100
This too is a memory that I possess, but I've no idea of what to attach it to. I have no idea of when, or where.
NLB Inter-dimensional Beast This thing has been in my head since I was 4 years old, occupying as much fear space as Moses confusion occupied determination to find the truth. I won't talk about this thing much because l have almost nothing to add.
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